letting go

Last Monday night( to tuesday morning) I had one of the most wonderful dream. I think I told you about it, Cy.

Remember Lesson 1 and Lesson 2.

Well lesson 2, we were in a van of some sort. When the class was near to an end, you, Cy, told me that you had someone waiting for me.

I asked, of course, who?

You told me that it was Tortilos.

There he was, standing, on where our class-van would stop. Reaching out for my hand, with his smile.

A long dream filled with awful conversation of a romance that lasted a lifetime. We were talking about career, plans, why he quit. He was answering questions that I did not know. I woke up that day with an importnat questioned (for me lang naman) left unanswered.

I wanted to go back to sleep and lull away to dreamland. I wanted to know the answer to my last question. Unfortunately, work was calling via my two alarm clocks blaring loudly.

Even though there was still a question hanging i felt:
1. happy because well I dreamt of him, it was a dream that, hopefully propethic, told me of a wonderful future
2. renewed as to that I haven't been much thinking about him then this
3. and at the same time, perplexed for this was the first time I dreamt about him

Although, i have to face my mundane life, I was still half-asleep into that dream. Yup, I am guilty of wearing a silly smile last tuesday. On our everyday office siesta, I wanted nothing more but to go back to my-tortilos world.

Unfortuantely it would only be in night time, when Tortilos comes to visit again. This time (tuesday eve, wed morning) we were grocery shopping. We were comparing prices, arguing on what brand is better and buying things for our everyday need.

This dream got me even more hopeful. Somehow, I believed that he was dreaming of me too. Crazy, right?

I mean where would I get all those answers. So when I saw him online last wednesday, I braved up to him and said hello on YM.

He did not snob me at first, he replied with 'heya!'

So I asked him about his art show and why he wasn't eating lunch yet. Then it came to me, like a big thump.

I haven't slept at all in days

It's been so long since we've talked

And I have been here many times I

just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me

What can I do to make you care

What can I say to make you feel this

What can I do to get you there

There's only so much I can take

And I just got to let it go

And who knows I might feel better

If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me

What can I do to make you care

What can I say to make you feel this

What can I do to get you there

No more waiting,

No more aching

No more fighting,

No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say

And in a funny way I'm calm

Because the power is not mine

I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me

What can I do to make you care

What can I say to make you feel this

What can I do to get you there

Love me..

That heart wrenching empty space on YM made me realize that, infact, all of these was make believe. Those few shared conversations on YM, that meaningless yet making-my-day smile which he offers when I see him at a mall are all in my head. Most importanlty, My dream is MY dream and only mine. It is not shared. Life is not a scene from a fantasy chick-flick.

His subtle(hehe) rejection was enough wake up call from reality. (Come to think of it my crush grew when he first rejected me. ) I imposed upon myself a punishment. Whenever I click on his name on my YM list and opt to start a conversation, I will be my sister's (or even yours cy, if you read this) slave. She can order me around. She can order me to but things for her even (within budget)

My world, like my dream, is different from him. The Tortilos living in the real world is in fact different from the Tortilos living in my head and making me smile .